Run No. 1349              26^th July 2010

Venue:                          Forest Gate Inn

Beer:                              Adnams & IPA

Location:                      Bell Common, Ivy Chimneys, Epping

Hare(s):                         Smartarse & Toad loader

Runners:                      50

Virgins:                            0

Visitors:                           0

Newies:                           0                                 

Hounds:                          2

Après Hashers:             7

Total:                              59

Membership:                Do ya think we’re sexy Rod?!

A large Pack of four combined Hashes meant that the car park was buzzing, but there was no sign of one of the two F.U.K Full Moon GM’s as Mr. X was missing, as the Herts RA he would be needed at least for the end of the Trail!  Mr. X wasn’t going to be the Barbie Doll, not since Mr Doll was there so early he had to leave & come back!

Mr. X & My Lil’ Sperm ‘ead were on their way from Epping Station, they were now walking up as the email offer of lifts from there didn’t materialize!  But at least they had P-Arrows to direct them around to the Pub, ahead of them was Pete the Pilot but he was a fair way in front & there’s no competition on the Hash!

The time was creeping by 10 past, the last two of the Herts Hash had prematurely reigned themselves to having to end up drinking with Windsock as they expected the Pack to have gone by the time they would have arrived, but the best laid plans of mice & Hashers (apologies to Rabbi Burns) didn’t go to plan. 

Fergus pulled up & offered the duo a lift, which they accepted but it meant clambering in to the back of the truck.  There were a few howls of laughter as Fergus’s truck squeezed its way in to the crowded car park, the sight of the F.U.K. Full Moon GM’s arrival!

Having made his entrance, Mr. X disappeared to get changed, leaving Tops, Paxo, Bastard & 2 AM to introduce the Pack to the respective Hashes Run numbers!  Of course Mr. X missed the Hare’s spiel as well!

Paxo had to stand in for the Herts GM, who was absent on the first Trail after his election the week before, there were already calls to sack him!  Then after the introductions, there was a chorus of “How Would you like my finger in your ear?”

Those who were keen to get away were soon heading out up the Bell Common road in a direction to the east, they would be running to a loop around the Bell End of the common & then headed back toward the venue, some were quite excited as they thought that they were On Inn already, shame that wasn’t the case unless you were Windsock, Tops, Mee Juliee & Panda who just managed to get their feet over the Pub’s car park boundary before retreating back to the safety of the Bar!

Mark E Mark, Lobby Lobster & Mumblehead were late starting as well, they had to sort out their hounds, which meant that they were going off in the same direction as Mr. X, who missed the pre-Trail brief & was only going toward the motorway after hearing some Chinese whispers about a short cut!  In the end he glance back & spotted Fergus & Thunderthighs coming back to run up to the end of the wood on the common.

The Trail led through the woodland & then came back around toward the Waltham cross road, before coming around the back of the Cricket Pitch to a CHK by the edge of the wood!  Those that searched inside were soon back from them as they proved to be false trails!  “On!” was called out through the scrubby land beyond the neatly kept Cricket pitch!

The Trail was no heading over Bell common where the M25 runs beneath it, the Dust soon led back to the Waltham Abbey road & the Pack had to cross over to get on to a footpath running down in to the side of Ladderstile Farm!  Ladderstile Farm lived up to its name as the Pack would have to clamber over a tall step-ladder type of stile, the type normally found on deer parks!

The Pack congregated on the concrete area between the outbuildings & the tree cover beside the road.  The option of searching out over the stile & along the edge of the wheat fields seemed to be fruitless, then the Hare appeared & said that the Trail was in fact out on the edge of the road but people could short cut if they wanted to, to a point where a footpath runs down from the road & along the side of the wheat field.

Now, being offered a short cut is one thing, not following the Hare along it through the edge of the wheat is another thing, there was a large amount of sheep the Pack clambering up on top of a large Heap o’ Crap (No not the Essex Hasher) which the Herts RA said he wished was dung!

Once the mistake was realised, most attempted to clamber down the steep sides of the Heap o’ Crap (Still not the Essex Hasher) after which they had to scale the wooden fence.  Those with any common sense gave up on the surprise assault course that Sludge & co tackled, they decided to walk back to a more sensible area to get on to the short cut!

The Trail headed along a footpath down to then bottom of the parkland that obviously is a part of the Coped Hall estate, just through a kissing gate was a Held CHK, this seemed to catch a few seasoned Hashers out as they didn’t know that the H means Held or Hold the CHK (i.e. a Regroup!).  The likes of Blitzen went off a wandering the mown grassland while the rest gathered by they information sign for the Pack to get together once again!

Smartarse informed the Pack that the stately pile upon the hill was Copped Hall, & that those who play the National Lotto have contributed to the grant bestowed upon it to bring it up to its former glory (though there is a fair way to go yet). 

He them informed the Pack that the Trail would pass close to Rod ‘the Mod’ Stewart’s property, this is the one with its own football pitch!  The same pitch that the Sun (newspaper) & had on its front page a few years ago during a drought & among the brown country side was a green oasis of a soccer pitch!  Smartarse pointed out that it is actually laid out on a slope, is this an advantage to Scottish Goal keepers? Nah!

The Trail was soon picked up as it led through the green open space & along side the fence, One Loos Le Trek looked at the possibility that the Trail could go off from the corner & head in to Griffin’s wood, but he was soon brought around as the Trail continued up to wide yellow grass gathering machine, where it passed through a gate & on to an uncapped track up to Lakeside house.

One Loos wasn’t enamoured with the story Mr. X told him about the Chinese Meal that he Mr Arse & Kebab had while out in Malaysia, well the one that Mr A & Mr X ate most of but Kebab only had the noodles.  One Loos said that he was glad that eh was a veggie!  The story is told later on, if you are not already bored with it by now?

A CHK at a junction of farm tracks saw Pick & Mix (or Jedwood as My Lil’ Sperm ‘ead calls them) head out over through a field of thistles, that must be there to make Rod Stewart feel at home, even though he was born Roderick David Stewart in London in 1945?  Porky Pie followed on behind the twins, but Mr. X had other ideas since “On!” was still being called along the driveway.

The Hare appeared & he encouraged the Pack to take the straight forward route along the drive, then Porky Pie came back from the field of thistles, which Eeyore would have loved! 

The Dust led on past Lakeside house, & one of the Harriettes asked where the lake was?  A little further on & the Pack passed by the duck pond, which was complete with the water fowl of a few ducks & a couple of little moorhens.  Perhaps Pond side house would be more apt

The Trail came out to one entrance to Copped Hall & from the CHK there the Pack were soon on their way by the front of this austere building, part of which is still boarded up.  Along the way Skip was having a chat with Bastard, they were working on a joint Run with Herts & Cambridge Hashes, they said that they’ll see the Herts Hare Raiser about that later!

The Trail headed over to a bridge spanning the M25, Jedwood Pick & Mix were first there & they had already found that the Dust leading in the pine wood beside the motorway was false, but this didn’t stop them from allowing Zing-a-long-a-max to run the very same false path that they had been on!

The Hash crossed the motorway bridge, which had a strange sign in the middle that said “Private land!” on it as it faced the two carriage ways?  The Trail now led the Hash through the grounds of Warren house, up the gravel drive & lout through a small, white, wrought iron gate beside the main double gates between the East & West London Lodges of the gate houses.

Here the Pack found the second regroup, but again some didn’t seem to understand the letters RG within the CHK!  2AM was among the few who ventured across the road in to the woodland on the opposite side, the rest took the opportunity for a breather but this wasn’t to last long as the Hare soon became as fed up as the rest with the plague of bugs that descended upon them!

It was at this point in the Trail that a solitary figure came running down toward the Pack, was this a marathon runner out training?  Nope! It was Rambo who was making up after a late start!

Meanwhile, Mr. X & My Lil’ Sperm ‘ead were asked by the a few how come they only just made it to the venue in time, to which they replied “It was Fergus’s fault, we were hoping that everyone had set off at seven!”  But life spent solely in the Pub with the Sock isn’t such a good thing!

There was a sting in the tail from this CHK, as the Trail was found back on the grounds on the other side of the gatehouse, the Pack had just began to move as a Volvo came on to the drive & the main gates opened to let him in.  Sludge, Windmill & Zing-a-long-a-max all took advantage of the open gate & cut through without using the pedestrian route. 

Ketch Up didn’t realise that the gate was an automatic electric one & he thought that the Hash had opened the gates for the driver, blimey Charlie, we don’t have to doff our caps to the aristocracy anymore!

The Trail now took to a path running along from the gate house & in to a long strip of pine woodland, now the Pack had some good running as they negotiated the fallen branches & low hanging boughs on the way through to the road.  As the likes of Vicky Vomit discussed the Inter Hash debacle with Mr. X, the conversation soon stopped when they reached the T junction in the road & to the left they could see the Beer Stop!

Toad Loader was waiting by the roadside with a Volvo full of cheap Froggy Beer, but it was good enough on this sultry evening!  One Loos was impressed that Mr. X had a small alloy key on his bumbag that he used to remove the tops of the bottles.  One Loos said that he had packed all his gear away while he’s travelling, Mr. X said that the little bit of allow takes up a lot of room & weighs a hell of a lot!

Blow Dry & Bob de Fanny were eager to get on with things, Mr. X was seizing up as well.  Many now felt the effects of the stop & they were beginning to loose their enthusiasm to run. So, Smartarse set the Pack off into the wood to begin the final leg of the Trail, running up by the remains of the Ambresbury Bank fort.  This Iron Age fort was, according to legend, the site of Boudicca’s last stand against the Romans in AD 61!

Ketch up set off, but he was concerned that T-B-T was looking at taking a short cut along side the road, as he injured himself, & this week it was due to falling off his bike!  But T-B-T’s time on the short cut didn’t last very long as he was soon running again as his unofficial Trail joined the proper one in the ‘Epping Thicks’ part of the wood!  The whole of the Pack were now running back by the Cricket Club, but this time on the opposite side of the pitch, some were impressed by the clubhouse’s electronic scoreboard!  Others had other things on their mind as it was a simple case of just turning left & running up & around into the On Inn, while the majority followed one last loop to the On Inn!

As the Pack returned they found that the number of Après Hashers had grown, Spare Rib had arrived, & the real Heap o’ was there

With the Pack being so large, it meant that there wasn’t going to be much to go around on the sandwich front, a couple of platters were not going to be enough!  Titanic managed to find himself in to the end room & he sneaked away with some cheese & biscuits.  The raffle money was supposed to go someway toward the Food, but he hadn’t bought a ticket by then!  He soon did!

Some of the gathered pack got to hear about Smartarse & Mr. X’s experiences out in Malaysia, not just the downside of InterHash, but the fantastic Malacca & Orang Utan Hashes who looked after them at the Hash Hotel out there.

The Orang Utan Hash was the best as it involved clambering the “Murderhorn” on a two & a half hour yomp up & down through the jungle covered rock!  It was one of the hardest Trails that Mr. X has ever done, it was more like a Royal Marine assault course.

Better still was the authentic Chinese meal they went for Après Trail!  Which the Chinese hosts said “Tuck in, don’t be shy!” as a dish of “Pig from the neck up!” came out, there it was snouts, ears & jowls.  Mr A & Mr X began to dare each other to eat these dishes, while Kebab sat this out & stuck with the noodles!  The next Dish was lambs tongue & testicles, Mr. X described the latter as being a bit salty!  Perhaps Mr.X should have been quiet as after climbing the ‘Murderhorn’ & coming back battered, bruised, cut & aching, he said that he could eat a scabby cat!

With four Hashes present, there would be four RA’s up there doing their bit.  The Down-Down began with the Hares of Smart Arse & Toad Loader being reward for a great Trail!  It was just a shame that Rod was out at the O2 Arena getting ready for his tour!

In no particular order here are just a few of the hits that followed, though Essex seemed to have disappeared very early.  2 AM had More On out for a Down-Down for coming out with a moronic quotation.

Porky Pie was out since he was not the only Ginger on the Trail, & compared to the others he looked as if he had died his hair to a chestnut colour?

The late comers of Spare Rib, Ryde, Tablewhine One guy was called out for not obey the signs around the Trail that asked for “Dog’s to be kept on leads!” for he took his Jack Rustle around on a bit of string!  Bet there are loads of old mattresses appear where ever he goes?

Fergus & Mr. X recreated the presentation of Fergus’s 65^th Birthday present, a one off original watercolour of a golly playing in the Irish Rugby Union strip!  Smartarse had Mr. X & My Lil’ Sperm ‘ead out for their arrival in the back of Fergus’s Truck!

As if this wasn’t enough for Mr.X, Spare Rib had him back in the Circle, after he had sent him an urgent text message, the Ribster had sent while on his way, about holding up the Pack & marking the way to the short cut wasn’t acknowledged by Mr. X, unfortunately this went to Mr. X’s old mobile phone!

Vicky Vomit was one of the last of the Essex crew & he was out for one of the final Hits, but by this time no could recall why!

Mr.X had the last laugh as he watched those who scoffed at the mode of his arrival, as they took that same option back to the tube!  He & a few of Herts stayed on after all but Mr Arse had gone!